Taking time

I've discovered something in myself these past few weeks.
If I share myself with someone, and he or she then moves away from me I am not able to resume our level of confidant very easily. I'm not talking (just) about sexual intimacy but the intimacy of late night conversations where my barriers have been broken down and hopes, dreams and feelings are carefully slid out into the light to be examined.

What would I have liked for Christmas this year? In fact what do I want out of life?
Someone to want to spend time with me. Someone to care.

OK

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This weekend I was really needed by someone else for the first time in a long time. That left me feeling more worth while and validated than I have in a long time. It also opened a whole 'can of worms', conflict that I really thought I'd started to deal with - yet it seems I have not.
Fleetingly I dropped down low, yet after sleep and wise words from a few people (yes I'm talking about you - Thank You) I was ok.

I am OK, that doesn't mean that I am wonderful and fantastic, it just means I'm OK. Hopefully after another good sleep I'll regain my balance as it's going to be a rather full on week.

The calm before the storm

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G R T

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Last night just as I was drifting off to sleep I finally remembered the significance of the initials G.R.T. As I lay there so close to sleep I told myself to retain that knowledge as it had been bothering me all day. This morning I woke up and

a) Realised that those initials meant nothing to me and I hadn't been thinking about them at all till just before sleep.
b) No idea what they signify.
c) And now it bothers me!

So any suggestions from the floor?

A few reasons why . . . . .

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Kisses, chocolate, blogs, cats, curls, gorgeous eyes, high heels, perfume, smiles, support, pirates, Robbie, oceans, views, sleep, bath, love, family, work, chances, opportunities, silver linings, green, purple, passion, curly wurlys, health, giggles, champagne, whisky kisses, tipsy chats, www, mushrooms, steak, pavolva, crème brulee, raspberries, lemon, mango, mint, beaches, rosemary, coriander, brownies, baking, roasts, custard, water, massages, pedicures, hair cuts, M*A*S*H, Lingerie, Lost, Battlestar Galactica, mobile phones, email, GChat, sunsets, dawn, men, trust, hope, gadgets, gingerbread, blurfing, Thanksgiving, bubbles, Christmas, Easter, holidays, celebrations, travel, adventures, sand, coconut, love bucket, Autumn, attention, Spring, Summer, bed, Winter, babies, batteries, books, films, music, sharing, jelly babies, dressing up, lovers, uniforms, flowers, comments, readers, You Tube, nape of my neck, whispers, dove, quotes, monogamy, lips, balcony, skin, soldiers, sailors, karma, links, emotions, past, friends, present, future, help, affection, cuddles, attention, support, green fields, care, actions, sweet words, birthdays, cupcakes, smarties, roller-coaster, fast rides, erections, stamina, stroking, laughing, chuckles, toys, sunshine, lunch, breakfast, dinner, brunch, snack, midnight feast, afternoon delight, turkish delight, voices, telephones, texts, kittens, koalas, imagination, suspense, delight, anticipation, quiet, parties, solitude, company, crush, sci-fi, serenity, firefly, home, interest, questions, answers, lavender, lace, silk, cotton, leather, knee high boots, sparkles, humour, waves, weddings, births, nice, egg nog, sqwiffy, puddles, letters, postcards, parcels, gifts, camera, photos, slideshows, sharing, thunderstorms, shelter, safety, tactileness, dragon slaying, Geeks, skills, touch, eloquence, expressions, skills, dedication, swings, yoga, weight loss, cute, sex, making love, please, thank you, manners, gentleman, honour, integrity, showers, lemon curd, pool, swimming, walking, roads, white magnum, steps, nice, decisions, distractions, focus, dreams, hair, blushes, positions, freckles, games, dancing, whirlwind, rain, ice-cream, sorbet, gelato, Google Earth, Sydney, London, Hong Kong, Yorkshire, Wales, Scotland, lakes, rivers, ponds, puddles, cartwheels, toast, lamb chops, shorts, acceptance, desire, lessons, visitors, rugby, orgasm, Pimms, plums, sleep, senses, priorities, support, reliability, heart, soul, sharing, pouts, honesty, challenges, shoulders, back, arms, muscles, flirting, teasing, touching, words.

Hello again

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Wandering through the pages of different lives I see familiar 'faces' and aliases, I hear familiar 'voices' and I smile to myself and know there is a reason why I'm drawn in certain directions.
Only a few degrees of separation in this blogging world of ours. Sometimes I remember the link that led me to you, other times it was a comment left at another place that raised my interest, sometimes you found me first.

Sometimes when I least expect it, you appear.

Not the answer that they were looking for

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I've just walked away from a meeting that I thought I had nailed - everything was going well from the first question. There was a great deal of positive communication between us, for nearly an hour things were going really well. Then one last question was asked and answered, and the answer may have changed everything.
So now I'm feeling blue.

Truth

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Between any couple who have broken up there is usually 3 versions of the truth, his version, her version and the true version. One of the effects of blogging about our lives is that we the observers, the readers get to see the different sides.
In the past I've been involved with someone who rewrote his history to remove all traces of me, so I can imagine how hurtful it is when I've read a number of blogs recently where the dumper has downplayed the feelings and love that they had for the dumpee. I see men and women posting that those promises and sweet whispers really didn't mean anything to them, that the person with a broken heart was only a distraction at the time - at a distance I guess its easier to accept ones own behaviour that way.

Light at the end of the tunnel - perhaps

Recent events have been conspiring against me, but with more than a little help from my friends (being able to let off steam is such a good thing) there is a possibility of there being a light at the end of this particular tunnel, perhaps.

Fear

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I was talking to a friend today about my options in the near future. How I was a little afraid to walk towards a certain goal. Her comment

"You do this, you get close to something then you run/walk away before the final hurdle."

She's right. I do.

Why? Because sometimes I'm afraid.

Today

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A year ago this day was filled with anticipation, hopes and laughter.

Today it seems just full of time. Time to wonder on what might have been if things had turned out differently and what still may be in the future.

Oxytocin

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Another great post by Annie, reminds me that I have an abundant supply of Oxytocin. Far too much for one woman to handle.

Exit

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A few days ago I received word that a member of my immediate family has died, I received this news without sorrow. There is no mourning of her passing, just relief that she is at last free from pain, she is no longer a burden on those around her but most of all that she no longer manipulates my father.

My reaction to her death surprised me a little, I am someone that has cried many times on reading blogs where family members have been lost, when I read a book or watch a film then I feel pain for those grieving. Even yesterday I shed a tear in the middle of a book when a fictional character lost her fictional sister. I've even been known to cry reading a book about pets that have died - yes watching Bambi was not my best moment ever.
Yet strangely I find myself unmoved by the passing of my own. Does this mean I love her less than others loved their own? Perhaps so. I just know that we had a difficult relationship, and what I do mourn is that she was never able to tell me that anything I ever did was good enough. No matter what went on, nothing was ever acknowledged. When ever we spoke it was always to praise another family member who is in a similar line of work, yet has not had the 'success' I have achieved through sheer determination and hard work. If I were the train driver, then my cousin would be the lady who pushes the tea trolley. Not that there is anything wrong with pushing the tea trolley, just that my strengths, achievements and challenges were never ever noticed never mind praised.

Perhaps this is why I seem to be steeled against feeling any grief at her passing - I never mattered to her.

What did those men teach me

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Occasionally I look back over past relationships and wonder what did I learn ........

The power of the high heel.
Life is for grasping with both hands.
That Firefox is a much better browser than IE.
That I believe in the fundamental goodness of others.
That Battlestar Galactica is wayyyyyy cooler this time around.
Knowing when to let go and walk away is something I find difficult.
No matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you back.
That I am a geek, and I love finding out new ways to collect, store and present data.
That some things need to be tried at least twice, in case the first time was just bad luck.

Who am I today?

Some days I wake as though I'm another person, full of hope and dreams.