The Norm
I was hanging some photos just now, I have one set of old school/college friends/flatmates from my London days. Looking at these photos made me smile, remembering the fun and frolics of my youth. However I also realised that out of 16 people, I am the only one without a child*, so this makes me the exception to the norm. How does this make me feel?
Actually it doesn't make me feel anything at the moment, it was just an observation on a social group which all came from different places but have ended up with a common goal.
The being childless is something I'm coping well with these days, I find that occasionally spending time in the homes of those with young children to be an excellent reminder that its not all warm glows and cuddles. Those early morning negotiations just to get a bowl of cereal down a 2 year old before heading off to work are not necessarily fun times. The impulsive, lets go out for dinner or catch a movie also have to be factored around babysitting issues. Never mind the sleep in till 10am on a Sunday morning, then go for a long brunch with the papers. **
In fact I'm almost 50/50 on the whole 'do I want children?' issue - which coming from a 99.9% place is rather healthy!
But what I am finding interesting is that where I used to live and work I was the exception to the norm in that I didn't have children, in my current location and position we are the absolute majority, in fact out of 35 people that I work and socialise with, only 1 person is a parent. And for many people its an active choice to be childless, much talk of 'snips' has gone on between the menfolk.
Clearly this is helpful to my feelings of belonging, worries about being the odd one out and healthy in dealing with my 'I have failed' issues.
So instead I'm becoming more and more comfortable in the role of beloved aunt, godmother, cake baker and story reader. And so to those 15 friends from years past I send my love and best wishes, and will enjoy the photos and the stories of their children growing up without this causing me pain.
*even the 2 gay men have got children.
** Yes Yes, I know being a parent is a wonderful gift, but I'm working hard on seeing the positives of not being one.
Actually it doesn't make me feel anything at the moment, it was just an observation on a social group which all came from different places but have ended up with a common goal.
The being childless is something I'm coping well with these days, I find that occasionally spending time in the homes of those with young children to be an excellent reminder that its not all warm glows and cuddles. Those early morning negotiations just to get a bowl of cereal down a 2 year old before heading off to work are not necessarily fun times. The impulsive, lets go out for dinner or catch a movie also have to be factored around babysitting issues. Never mind the sleep in till 10am on a Sunday morning, then go for a long brunch with the papers. **
In fact I'm almost 50/50 on the whole 'do I want children?' issue - which coming from a 99.9% place is rather healthy!
But what I am finding interesting is that where I used to live and work I was the exception to the norm in that I didn't have children, in my current location and position we are the absolute majority, in fact out of 35 people that I work and socialise with, only 1 person is a parent. And for many people its an active choice to be childless, much talk of 'snips' has gone on between the menfolk.
Clearly this is helpful to my feelings of belonging, worries about being the odd one out and healthy in dealing with my 'I have failed' issues.
So instead I'm becoming more and more comfortable in the role of beloved aunt, godmother, cake baker and story reader. And so to those 15 friends from years past I send my love and best wishes, and will enjoy the photos and the stories of their children growing up without this causing me pain.
*even the 2 gay men have got children.
** Yes Yes, I know being a parent is a wonderful gift, but I'm working hard on seeing the positives of not being one.
3 comments:
I was on the other side of that equation - I had a child when all my friends were out frolicking! Now the G is old enough for me to be really free, and almost everyone I know has young children!
I'm sure you make a fabulous favourite Aunt, but I'm sure as well that your time will come - probably just when you really and truly don't care anymore.
Life sure is more complicated than we thought when we were girls, no?
I love children and I used to long to be a mother. Most of my friends got married in their early 30s, and some of them have kids. I once felt that I am a failure as I am not married and have no children.
Now, watching my friends trying to get their kids finish their meals and chasing after them, I finally realize that at my age, I don't have the energy to look after a child anymore. Being a parent is a 24/7 job. It's not an easy task.
Just as DG said, your time will come. Meanwhile, enjoy being a loving auntie who still has the choice of sleeping in :-)
Good Wednesday afternoon to you, Mia.
I will be 50 next year, and have never had any children.
Sometimes I am glad of it - I enjoy the quiet, my clean and tidy home, the lack of responsibility or worry or additional expense, the freedom I have to go where I want to when I want to, and the pleasure in sleeping through the night...
And then there are other times, like on the holidays, where I miss the Norman Rockwell image I have of family, of children, of having a generation to leave behind, a future of my blood, descendants of my heart...
There are always 2 ways to see things, and I think it is normal to feel a bit of both happiness and sorrow around the issue.
Loving Annie
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