~sigh~

I've been arranging a bit of a gathering for a while now.
Out of an original 23 who said they would be able to attend its down to FOUR!!
Plus 3 still undecided.

We're only a couple of weeks away from the event and its making me a little sad. So instead of counting the people who are not coming I'm trying realllllly hard to be excited about the 4 who are, and still holding out hope that the 3 undecided will make their decision in my favour soon.

~sigh~

I've already had to re write my menu plan and cancel accommodation.

Edit: Just to clarify and to put straight the person who has submitted comments laughing at me for only having 4 people in my life. The 23 I mentioned are those who were flying in from other countries for the party. As it stands now, there are nine people who have bought tickets to come to another country to join in the festivities. And I'm really looking forward to introducing them to my new circle of friends here.

Not the best of starts to a Sunday

I lay in bed for too long this morning, my mind wandering into areas which were not helpful or productive. In fact I wandered into the area of 'what difference am I making in my world?" and the answer was none. From this I very quickly travelled down through the stages of sadness, futility and despair.
I moved into the 'when would be the best time to just disappear', my affairs are not really in order so it would be a hassle for those left to sort out admin if I left just now, but if I hang around for a few more weeks then my Baby Girl will be here and there is no way I'd want her to have to deal with the aftermath. So then if I plan for my demise after she has gone back to the UK, that would make more sense. But then again that could leave her with feelings of guilt that she left me when I so very much wanted to stay. ~sigh~ I can't do that too her.
So it looks like I'll stay around for a bit longer, unless I can find a cause worth dying for. If I could swap my health for my sister then I'd do it in an instant. I just don't seem to have a cause worth living for at the moment.

And then I got up, had a long hot shower, washed my hair, got dressed, had some breakfast and those thoughts moved just a little bit further to the back of my mind.
Note to self: Sometimes I think too much.

Wandering thoughts

Sometimes I don't like where my wandering thoughts take me.

I can't die today, I haven't updated my will recently


If this new lump turns out to be cancer, I'll probably just suck it up and die, rather than fight it.


If I died, I wonder if my brother would mention it on facebook.

Perhaps I should give my brother my log in details for facebook in my will,
then he could change my status to dead.

Christmas Day thoughts

Christmas tree ornaments seem to be the gift of choice this year. Among the piles of Lush (yummm) bubble bars and chocolate I've gained some decorations.

I've got a cute white and blue Dresden snowman from Amsterdam

2 green glass trees from Hong Kong

1 ornate gold & purple enamelled bauble from Vietnam

and a silver star from the UK

Yes they are all very pretty, and they will look splendid on my tree for the next few days.

**************

I'm battling with myself, not to back out of the plans for the day. Do I really want to spend the day with a friends family? Wouldn't it be easier to just stay home and ignore the day? In the past I've actually taken down my Christmas tree on the 25th, because I was 'over' the whole festive season. This year I can't do that, mostly because I've got friends coming for drinks on the 26th.

***************

Being single sucks.

************

I've made a glorious brandy pie that is sitting in my fridge right now, I'm taking it to share with friends for Christmas dinner. It is quite possibly the most calorific dish I could make, but darn its good.

********************

There are people I wish I could talk to, and wish seasons greetings too, but they are out of reach. They are busy with their own lives, in which I am only a minor player.

********

~Thud~

That was the sound of my stomach dropping a few inches when today it was found out I was a fraud.

One of my biggest faults became obvious and I'm not sure how I will handle things tomorrow.

~sigh~

frus·tra·tion

.
After working on a project on and off for about 3 months I set off to complete it today, and was foiled by the concept that Hong Kong doesn't have postcodes. I fear that chocolate is the only answer on how to deal with the frustration I am feeling right now.

frus·tra·tion [/frʌˈstreɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciafruh-strey-shuhn]

1.	act of frustrating; state of being frustrated: the frustration of the president's efforts.

2.	an instance of being frustrated: to experience a series of frustrations before completing a project.

3.	something that frustrates, as an unresolved problem.

4.	a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I broke it

.
I just broke my gmail.

Probably the worse time to do so as well. Am expecting a couple of emails that I have to reply to asap.

~sigh~

A day to snuggle up on the sofa

.
It's raining here, hard.
But that's ok because I've got oodles of things I should be doing around the flat. However as its such a horrible day I'm going to curl up on the sofa with a few books and pretend that everything isn't crowding in on me. I'm getting a little overwhelmed by my 'to do' list.

~bleh~

.
Not my favourite day so far this week ....

I've got something awful going on in my tummy, I have had terrible tummy spasms of pain every time I even drink water never mind eat anything so I'm all spaced out due to not eating anything in the last 28 hours and curling up in a ball every now and again clutching my digestive system and begging it to stop the party. I'm also running a bit of a fever so I keep taking off all my clothes as I over heat.

And the child in the upstairs apartment has finally started to learn a new tune on the piano. The Freaking Wedding March!!! I was woken by it at 6.20am and have heard it on and off ever since I got home from work.

Seriously its time I went to bed already!

Whinging

.
Today has been odd, really odd. I've had some great things happen at work which I am really really pleased about ....but ......... it has totally brought home how terribly alone I am.

I know it was just a fluke but I called 8 different friends this evening to talk about the great stuff and all of them have their own lives to live and each one of them said they were busy and could they call me this weekend. So on what should be a really happy night I am instead sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

OK, whinge over, now its time to treat myself to something lovely. mmmmmm vanilla pudding!
Yes yes, I comfort eat, no surprise there surely!

4:07 AM

Although my body is tired, my mind is racing.

I have conflicting emotions coursing through my body.....................

........... only now I can allow myself to weep, why do I cry on such a happy day, they are not tears of joy but of sorrow, for what will probably never be.

Not the answer that they were looking for

.
I've just walked away from a meeting that I thought I had nailed - everything was going well from the first question. There was a great deal of positive communication between us, for nearly an hour things were going really well. Then one last question was asked and answered, and the answer may have changed everything.
So now I'm feeling blue.