A year later.........

Recap on the last year........

Living in the MidWest with my lovely man for about 4 months, then just when he was about to head into a 3 month whirlwind of traveling on business trips all around the globe I got offered a rather great job in the UK for 3 months - so I took it.
Living back in the UK for what I knew would be just a short time was great, I got to spend every weekend with people I love, visiting friends and family all over the country.
Then the posting was over and it was back to the US where the man and I got on a motorbike* and rode for four thousand miles over the North East (5 states) and Canada (5 provinces).
We stayed at posh hotels, camp grounds, mom & pop B&B's and one rather dodgy motel, it was quite the adventure.
2 months later the summer was over and it was time to go back to work, this time I had just a 6 week job waiting for me so headed back to the UK wondering what would happen next in this adventure. Within 2 days of my arriving back in the UK I'd been offered two very good jobs, one in the UK - tempting and one in the Caribbean - hmmm very tempting.
First day of November saw me packing up my summer clothes and heading to the beach, I've been here ever since and am loving it. Even more exciting is that the lovely man came down for a month over Christmas and decided that he loves it here too.
So he went back to the US, worked a few things out with his company, got a new job here on this island and is moving down to this small island in the sun with me.
He arrives in two weeks, all a bit exciting really, both of us living and working in the same country - together.

So that's been my 2010......



* Oh yes it turns out that I'm a bit of a biker chick - who knew!

Blue skies

I left this beautiful island with its stunning blue skies.

To live under this stunning blue sky.


And love, so much love that I can hardly stop smiling, even in the snow.

And more.....

Not sure that there is anyone still out there but after reading an email from DG asking me how life is on the new island I thought I'd do a quick post.


Life on the island in the Caribbean was just what was needed after 11 years of living in Asia, the slow pace and easy smiles along side the clean air and wonderful waters.

And then I met a wonderful amazing man who has totally swept me off my feet, so just before Christmas I left the wonderful island to be with him, in the Midwest of the USA. Now it's cold outside and there is lots of snow but I've never been happier and more cherished. And I quite like drinking Hot Chocolate.

We are very very happy.

The summer and beyond

Summer 2008 was wonderful, in too many ways to try to recap. But now the fresh memories are fading and its time to have some more wonderful layers added.

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In four weeks I'm heading to one of my favourite cities in one of my favourite countries to spend some time with my all time favourite friend. And oh I'm excited. There will be sunshine and laughter and love. And visits to Lush

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This last week I've been surprised by the kindness of colleagues and overwhelmed by the care of friends. And parental issues have been raised to the foreground again. Mostly because friends can't believe the levels of effort I'm going through organising a surprise 70th birthday party for my father in January. Just because some of my family are rubbish doesn't mean that the rest are.

I've booked 5 rooms for family at a lovely little Coaching Inn for all, put down a deposit for a Saturday night dinner for 9 of us. And thanks to the wonders of facebook have been able to track down my fathers cousins who along with friends, in laws and siblings are going to turn up for a surprise Sunday lunch. I've got a flight back to the UK thats not going to cost more than a months salary and booked time of work. The ONLY thing my sibling has to do is to tell my parents she is taking them to dinner at the Inn on his birthday so they don't make other plans.

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Thanks to the best geek hero in my life I have also been able to catch the latest episodes of Emmerdale - clearly life is good!

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And I'm weighing up the options of downsizing all my worldly belongings to leave me free to just jump freely to a new country in the next six months. Which raises the questions, even if I scan in all my old photos from pre digital era what to do with the originals?

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Not the best of starts to a Sunday

I lay in bed for too long this morning, my mind wandering into areas which were not helpful or productive. In fact I wandered into the area of 'what difference am I making in my world?" and the answer was none. From this I very quickly travelled down through the stages of sadness, futility and despair.
I moved into the 'when would be the best time to just disappear', my affairs are not really in order so it would be a hassle for those left to sort out admin if I left just now, but if I hang around for a few more weeks then my Baby Girl will be here and there is no way I'd want her to have to deal with the aftermath. So then if I plan for my demise after she has gone back to the UK, that would make more sense. But then again that could leave her with feelings of guilt that she left me when I so very much wanted to stay. ~sigh~ I can't do that too her.
So it looks like I'll stay around for a bit longer, unless I can find a cause worth dying for. If I could swap my health for my sister then I'd do it in an instant. I just don't seem to have a cause worth living for at the moment.

And then I got up, had a long hot shower, washed my hair, got dressed, had some breakfast and those thoughts moved just a little bit further to the back of my mind.
Note to self: Sometimes I think too much.

The one in the middle

A few days ago I received an email from my elder sibling, it was addressed to my younger sib, his wife and myself, in it she told us some very upsetting news about her health. She wanted to make sure that we all knew at the same time. The sort of news that is hard to hear, the sort of news that is very hard to reply to. But (of course) I did, I replied with the 'so sorry to hear this', 'let me know if I can help' and 'I love you' lines and followed it up with a phone call to her today. We chatted for a long time about everything in her life, decisions she is having to make about her daughters future and what medical tests were going to be taken over the next week. She also said that neither my brother or his wife had replied to her email, and the she was "cut to the quick" that they didn't make even the smallest effort on hearing her news. We talked a while longer about different situations and family members and ended up saying goodbye reasonably happily.

Then I called my brother, we chatted for a while about this and that. Holidays, diving and moving home, just general news. Then I asked if he'd read his sisters email, he said that yes he had, but didn't know what to reply. I offered a few suggestions, to which he mumbled that yes he probably should. Then said he was just too busy to get online much these days. At this point I reminded him that thanks to Facebook news feed I knew how often he snatched a moment during his day to do a movie quiz, post some photos or send some pokes around and that he should spend 2 minutes sending a message of care to his sister.

Seriously I wonder how it is that I'm the only one in my family that takes the time and effort to make contact with anyone, is it that everyone else is married and therefore doesn't care about their blood family anymore? My siblings are 12 years apart in age and have very little in common with each other, and both of them seem to be happy to let each other drift away - yet I am so close to both of them and adore them with all my heart. And sometimes it really makes me sad that they don't share that love with each other - especially as they only live 2 hours drive from one another.

Favourite lines from recent emails

"You may have had sun but I had the Irish to party with."

"You just put a lovely big smile on my face and you are 1000s of miles away. Now that's something special"

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god! XXXXXXXXXX?! WAHHHHH! I literally can't believe you just casually dropped that into the conversation! Crikey me, I think I'm going to have to go and have a lie down before I even think about trying to reply to your email. I'm so excited!!!"

3 very different people replying to 3 very different emails, but oh I love them. ~sigh~

4 times by midnight

At 4 different times today I've had the wonderful flush of being filled with joy and happiness. Honestly who could ask for anything more.

Highlights of Summer 2007

This summer my cup of love filled to over flowing from those people in my life who love me, I'll post on those matters at a later time.

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I also took delight in many other places, here are just a few.

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The sound of wind in the trees.

The stunning wildflowers in the hedgerows.

Baking a very special birthday cake for a very special birthday Princess.

Picnics among the heather.

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Someone knowing me well enough to write a list for me,
that included all my favourite treats.

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A great hair cut with lots of curls

A bubble bath on a warm summers evening,

with the windows open looking out on to the harbour.

I'd love to

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I just had a phone call from the mother of my children, ok so she's the mother of the children who are the closest thing I've got to having my own children. Anyway.......

In a couple of months there are going to be some rather significant birthdays being celebrated by my babies, and I want to be there, I'm going to be there. I confirmed my flight a few weeks ago and now the date for the party has been sent - 3 days after I arrive at their house.
Apparently last night over the dining table a discussion arouse about the band being booked, the caterers, the invitations and of course the alcohol that would be needed for this rather large event. Then someone mentioned cake, to which #1 CTIGTHMOC* said "Do you think that Mia would make it for us?" #2 CTIGTHMOC joined in with "Of course she will!"

Then the photo album came out and they looked at past cakes I've made for them, there was the princess castle - yes lots of pink! The Batman cake (that black food colouring took days to come off my fingers), the bowling alley with balls, Hickory Dickory Dock, the pirates treasure chest, the yellow duck, the racing car, the swimming pool, guitar, the football pitch, the rabbit, the piano, the cat, the ballerina, the volcano and many many more.

Of course I will, I'd love to.

*CTIGTHMOC = closest thing I've got to having my own children

Still waiting

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Due to the wonders of international time zones I had to wait for half a day before my father was even awake. Then apparently they decided to put him at the end of the days schedule due to his possible infectiousness ......... I've just heard that he has only NOW just gone into surgery.

~sigh~

It's going to be a long night.

Bit scared

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Today my father is having an operation.
An operation that is very similar to the one he had almost 3 years ago which resulted in an infection which caused complete organ shut down, which resulted in me getting one of those dreaded 2am phone calls. A phone call that I often have nightmares about

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Sib: Hi sis it's me - wake up properly.
Mia: It's 2am here, are you drunk again?
Sib: No - are you properly awake?
Mia: Yes, I am now Sitting up in bed and suddenly feeling worried
Sib: Dad's been taken back into hospital, he collapsed, its not looking good, he is in a coma.
Mia: . . . . . . . .
Sib: Are you still there?
Mia: Yes. What should I do?
Sib: Get the next flight home. Call me back when you've sorted out a ticket, call the parents number I'll be there in 20 mins.
Mia: OK.

An hour later after battling with online booking of flight in the middle of the night and being unable to see through the tears I call back.

Mia: It's me.
Mother: Oh hello, how are you?
Mia: Ummm not the best, what's happening?
Mother: Oh not to worry, Daddy had a bit of a funny turn, do you want to speak to your sib?
Mia: Yes
Sib: Hi
Mia: It's me, ok, what's going on? Is Mother on valium already?
Sib: Mother is in her favourite place, denile. His organs have shut down, he is in a coma, on life support, its not looking very hopeful.
Mia: VERY HOPEFUL??? What does that mean?
Sib: It means, pack for a funeral - he's probably not going to make it through the next 24 hrs.
Mia: OK, what's the hospital number?

I call the hospital and speak to the ICU nurse who is sitting by my fathers machines.
Mia: Can you tell me what's happening?
Nurse: Sorry, we cant give out patient information over the phone.
Mia: But I'm calling from Hong Kong, my Mother seems to think its all ok, my Sib told me to pack for a funeral.
Nurse: I'm sorry but your Sib has got a more realistic view on the situation. I'm sorry.
Mia: (in tears) OK, thank you, please look after my Daddy.
Nurse: We will do our best, how soon can you get here?
Mia: The flight doesn't leave till after noon (It's nearly 4am now) and takes 13 hours, and that just gets me to London.
Nurse: I'm sorry.

I call a friend in the North of England, he instantly offers to drive from Liverpool to London to meet me and drive me up North - 4 hours drive each way. My flight gets in very late at night so he will leave for London after a full day at work - he's a good friend.

I call a friend here in HK, I wake her from her sleep and I cry. She throws on some clothes and comes over to sit with me while I pack, while I pack for my fathers funeral. She leaves to go to work while I sit there. I email work and tell them I have to take emergency leave. Itake myself off to the airport hours ahead of time, as if me sitting there at the depture gate will make the hours pass quicker.
I cry.

I get on the plane, I've no idea who is sitting beside me, the TV's are not working, I think I probably cry the whole way there, I mourn my father, I don't expect to ever see him again. I cry. (later I feel sorry for the poor people sat around me, at the time I have no idea who is there)

I arrive in London, I wake through the gates and see my dear friend C, he has chocolate in one hand and a large box of tissues in the other - he knows me so well. He holds me close

C: I spoke with your Sib last an hour ago, your Dad is still alive.

He hands me his phone, I call my sib - my poor sib who is having to deal with all of this, to step up and organise things, to make heart wrenching phone calls to people he loves in the middle of the night.

Mia: Hi, its me, I've landed.
Sib: Ok, get C to get you up here, SAFELY, the ICU said you can go straight in - we are all taking it in turns as they only let 2 people by the bed.
Mia: It's going to be 2am before I get there.
Sib: Thats ok, the staff said to come in, don't wait till morning.
Mia: Oh......

C drives me up North, he talks to me about his children, about his new gf, about all sorts of things, he tries to engage me in conversation and then he lets me have some time to just stare out of the window. We arrive at the hospital, I see my older sister's car in the near deserted visitors car park. C takes my hand and we find the ICU. My sib comes out just as we get close. My sib hugs me (my sib never ever hugs me!) He points out the bed that is holding an old man, an old man hooked up to wires and tubes. He doesn't look like my father - my father was cutting down garden hedges with an electric chain saw just 3 weeks ago.
I go and sit beside him, I hold his hand, I tell him I'm here.

The next 4 days pass with the staff telling us to be realistic about his chances, but that they are surprised that he has fought so hard. We tell them not to be surprised, that Daddy has been given his 'orders' by us, he has to pull through this. And Daddy is a man who has long followed orders. We have to sign papers and give permission for amputation - for anything that will help him to get through this.
And he pulls through. The next 2 weeks are spent making notes on the ridiculous things that he is saying to us during his drug induced haze

"went out drinking with Keith Richards last night, feeling a bit rough today" !!!

"tonight Ted and I are going to break out that guy in bed 3, he's undercover and needs to get back to make his report"

"I'm heading off to the Grand Prix next Saturday, do you want to come?"

Also making notes on the sometimes conflicting information that the different organ specialists are giving us. Its not a great time.

After 2 weeks my siblings both return to work, after all they will have to be on hand when I return to Hong Kong but for now its me that is driving my mother to the hospital every day and sitting with her while she talks about how she wants her body to be used for medical studies and her ashes to be scattered. Its not an easy time for any of us.

I return to Hong Kong, after making a deal with my father, if he makes it to Christmas then I'll come 'home' as well. (I have never returned to the UK for Christmas any other year)
He keeps his end of the deal, and so do I.

Physically he is a shadow of the man he once was, mentally he is weaker as well. He's never able to travel overseas, to take that 3 month trip around Asia that they had planned. But he's alive, he gets to spend time being a Grandpa, he gets to hear about his children's adventures (well some of them!!) and he moves on with his life.

But........... today he has another operation, very similar to the last.

So today I'm a bit scared. Tomorrow I'll still be a bit scared and will probably be a bit scared for a few weeks until everything is recovered from and he is safely home.

Mother's Day

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Today is worse than Valentine's Day. At least in February most people understand what it is like to have a broken heart and to not want to celebrate a day of pink fluffy candies. But ignoring Mother's Day, well that is a lot more difficult for people to accept, so I've kept a low profile today and not said much to anyone.

I'm not a mother, and probably never will be.

My mother has spent most of my life telling me how useless, undeserving of happiness and unlovable I am.


I had 2 God Mothers, one who divorced out of the family and lost touch with me when I was about 8 years old. I didn't hear from her again till she died and found out that she had left me a nice little bequest in her will. I wish she'd made contact with me earlier.



My other Godmother is T who I loved dearly, she died 10 years ago, struck down by cancer within 5 months and I miss her so very much, especially when I've got wonderful news to share. As a teenager on Mother's Day I would send her flowers and cards and pretend she was my mother, she had no children of her own and always let me know how special I was to her. Today if I think about Mother's Day at all then I wish she were still here for me to call and tell her I love her.









Today I read these Mother's Day Secrets at Post Secret

And the postcard that I would have come closest to sending is this one


But I'm not quite there yet. There is a tiny part of my heart that still has hopes and dreams and is willing to jump through all her hoops if only she'd just love me. But the rest of me knows that this won't ever happen and I should just accept it. That's hard to do.

Truth

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Between any couple who have broken up there is usually 3 versions of the truth, his version, her version and the true version. One of the effects of blogging about our lives is that we the observers, the readers get to see the different sides.
In the past I've been involved with someone who rewrote his history to remove all traces of me, so I can imagine how hurtful it is when I've read a number of blogs recently where the dumper has downplayed the feelings and love that they had for the dumpee. I see men and women posting that those promises and sweet whispers really didn't mean anything to them, that the person with a broken heart was only a distraction at the time - at a distance I guess its easier to accept ones own behaviour that way.

Welcomed

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I've just sent an email to a friend in another country, saying that I'll be landing in her city at an ungodly hour of the morning and wondering if I might be able to come for breakfast.
Her reply

"You absolutely must come, of course. Could be faintly chaotic, but you don't mind that sort of thing! I do b & b for foreign language students these days and I have some French lady in the spare room arriving on the 30th for 3 weeks. If all goes according to plan both C and W will be here, and I don't think H has broken up from school at that point, but we'll squeeze you in somewhere for as long as you want."

That response is just like her home, filled to bursting with love and affection.
I feel wanted and I can't wait to visit.