Bit scared

.
Today my father is having an operation.
An operation that is very similar to the one he had almost 3 years ago which resulted in an infection which caused complete organ shut down, which resulted in me getting one of those dreaded 2am phone calls. A phone call that I often have nightmares about

***********

Sib: Hi sis it's me - wake up properly.
Mia: It's 2am here, are you drunk again?
Sib: No - are you properly awake?
Mia: Yes, I am now Sitting up in bed and suddenly feeling worried
Sib: Dad's been taken back into hospital, he collapsed, its not looking good, he is in a coma.
Mia: . . . . . . . .
Sib: Are you still there?
Mia: Yes. What should I do?
Sib: Get the next flight home. Call me back when you've sorted out a ticket, call the parents number I'll be there in 20 mins.
Mia: OK.

An hour later after battling with online booking of flight in the middle of the night and being unable to see through the tears I call back.

Mia: It's me.
Mother: Oh hello, how are you?
Mia: Ummm not the best, what's happening?
Mother: Oh not to worry, Daddy had a bit of a funny turn, do you want to speak to your sib?
Mia: Yes
Sib: Hi
Mia: It's me, ok, what's going on? Is Mother on valium already?
Sib: Mother is in her favourite place, denile. His organs have shut down, he is in a coma, on life support, its not looking very hopeful.
Mia: VERY HOPEFUL??? What does that mean?
Sib: It means, pack for a funeral - he's probably not going to make it through the next 24 hrs.
Mia: OK, what's the hospital number?

I call the hospital and speak to the ICU nurse who is sitting by my fathers machines.
Mia: Can you tell me what's happening?
Nurse: Sorry, we cant give out patient information over the phone.
Mia: But I'm calling from Hong Kong, my Mother seems to think its all ok, my Sib told me to pack for a funeral.
Nurse: I'm sorry but your Sib has got a more realistic view on the situation. I'm sorry.
Mia: (in tears) OK, thank you, please look after my Daddy.
Nurse: We will do our best, how soon can you get here?
Mia: The flight doesn't leave till after noon (It's nearly 4am now) and takes 13 hours, and that just gets me to London.
Nurse: I'm sorry.

I call a friend in the North of England, he instantly offers to drive from Liverpool to London to meet me and drive me up North - 4 hours drive each way. My flight gets in very late at night so he will leave for London after a full day at work - he's a good friend.

I call a friend here in HK, I wake her from her sleep and I cry. She throws on some clothes and comes over to sit with me while I pack, while I pack for my fathers funeral. She leaves to go to work while I sit there. I email work and tell them I have to take emergency leave. Itake myself off to the airport hours ahead of time, as if me sitting there at the depture gate will make the hours pass quicker.
I cry.

I get on the plane, I've no idea who is sitting beside me, the TV's are not working, I think I probably cry the whole way there, I mourn my father, I don't expect to ever see him again. I cry. (later I feel sorry for the poor people sat around me, at the time I have no idea who is there)

I arrive in London, I wake through the gates and see my dear friend C, he has chocolate in one hand and a large box of tissues in the other - he knows me so well. He holds me close

C: I spoke with your Sib last an hour ago, your Dad is still alive.

He hands me his phone, I call my sib - my poor sib who is having to deal with all of this, to step up and organise things, to make heart wrenching phone calls to people he loves in the middle of the night.

Mia: Hi, its me, I've landed.
Sib: Ok, get C to get you up here, SAFELY, the ICU said you can go straight in - we are all taking it in turns as they only let 2 people by the bed.
Mia: It's going to be 2am before I get there.
Sib: Thats ok, the staff said to come in, don't wait till morning.
Mia: Oh......

C drives me up North, he talks to me about his children, about his new gf, about all sorts of things, he tries to engage me in conversation and then he lets me have some time to just stare out of the window. We arrive at the hospital, I see my older sister's car in the near deserted visitors car park. C takes my hand and we find the ICU. My sib comes out just as we get close. My sib hugs me (my sib never ever hugs me!) He points out the bed that is holding an old man, an old man hooked up to wires and tubes. He doesn't look like my father - my father was cutting down garden hedges with an electric chain saw just 3 weeks ago.
I go and sit beside him, I hold his hand, I tell him I'm here.

The next 4 days pass with the staff telling us to be realistic about his chances, but that they are surprised that he has fought so hard. We tell them not to be surprised, that Daddy has been given his 'orders' by us, he has to pull through this. And Daddy is a man who has long followed orders. We have to sign papers and give permission for amputation - for anything that will help him to get through this.
And he pulls through. The next 2 weeks are spent making notes on the ridiculous things that he is saying to us during his drug induced haze

"went out drinking with Keith Richards last night, feeling a bit rough today" !!!

"tonight Ted and I are going to break out that guy in bed 3, he's undercover and needs to get back to make his report"

"I'm heading off to the Grand Prix next Saturday, do you want to come?"

Also making notes on the sometimes conflicting information that the different organ specialists are giving us. Its not a great time.

After 2 weeks my siblings both return to work, after all they will have to be on hand when I return to Hong Kong but for now its me that is driving my mother to the hospital every day and sitting with her while she talks about how she wants her body to be used for medical studies and her ashes to be scattered. Its not an easy time for any of us.

I return to Hong Kong, after making a deal with my father, if he makes it to Christmas then I'll come 'home' as well. (I have never returned to the UK for Christmas any other year)
He keeps his end of the deal, and so do I.

Physically he is a shadow of the man he once was, mentally he is weaker as well. He's never able to travel overseas, to take that 3 month trip around Asia that they had planned. But he's alive, he gets to spend time being a Grandpa, he gets to hear about his children's adventures (well some of them!!) and he moves on with his life.

But........... today he has another operation, very similar to the last.

So today I'm a bit scared. Tomorrow I'll still be a bit scared and will probably be a bit scared for a few weeks until everything is recovered from and he is safely home.