Shelf life

.
OK, just to really rub it in, the child upstairs woke me today with the TFWM again.

As I checked my emails between gentle sips of water (still got a delicate tummy) I see an email from my aunt, letting me know that cousin S has got engaged after years of living in sin.
So I spent today humming TFWM which must have seemed very strange to everyone that knows me and quietly feeling sorry for myself that I really was the last one on the shelf in the family - and how this will be pointed out to me by every single relation* at my sibling's upcoming nuptials this summer.
Quick chat with my sis about some other family business and I mentioned it, she burst out laughing and reminded me about our rather 'odd' and very effeminate 2nd cousin P - and how he isn't married either - so I'm not quite the only one left!

*It's the prospect of the nose rubbing and the pitiful comments from the family that annoys me rather than the actual fact, they all seriously see me as having failed in life because I've not got married and had babies. Of course what makes this harder to deal with is that I'd love to be loved and have babies! I've just got to go prepared with some good answers to the questions that are going to be thrust at me every time I turn around.

If you think this post sounds familiar, then you are correct.

~bleh~

.
Not my favourite day so far this week ....

I've got something awful going on in my tummy, I have had terrible tummy spasms of pain every time I even drink water never mind eat anything so I'm all spaced out due to not eating anything in the last 28 hours and curling up in a ball every now and again clutching my digestive system and begging it to stop the party. I'm also running a bit of a fever so I keep taking off all my clothes as I over heat.

And the child in the upstairs apartment has finally started to learn a new tune on the piano. The Freaking Wedding March!!! I was woken by it at 6.20am and have heard it on and off ever since I got home from work.

Seriously its time I went to bed already!

Memento Mori

.
James and I have got a new thing going on . . .

Memento Mori: Remember that you are mortal; life is short.
Grow, or else die as you are. Your choice.

Memento Mori isn't going to be instead of my site here, after all a lady always needs somewhere she can complain about dodgy phone calls and ramble on about chocolate, bubble baths and lingerie. But it's going to be a place where we can document our steps on the path towards happiness, so feel free to pop over and say hello.

Who was he?

.
I just had a phone call..........

The Man: "Hello is this Mia"

Mia: "Who is speaking" (Just in case its a Persian carpet seller - we get a lot of those here in HK)

The Man: Hi my name is Tod, your landlord Mr H gave me your number and said if I wanted to come and view the apartment at .....insert full address.... I should ring you and arrange a time that suits you.

Mia: Sorry, the agent is handling all the viewings and they know not to call me after 6pm.

The Man: Oh its ok, I talked to them earlier, they said that you live alone so I wouldn't be disturbing dinner or anything.

Mia: ". . . . . . . . insert speechless silence. . . .. . "

The Man: Hello Mia?

Mia: "Please don't call again, all bookings to view should be made through the agent "

The Man: Hey, I'm just nearby, perhaps I could just pop over?

Mia: "Now is not convenient, I am hosting a vodka drinking game with several large sailors"

The Man: OK, will talk to you tomorrow then.

OK so he sounded like a nice man, and I may have dated men I've met online before, and even met a guy for drinks who misdialled and got me when I was preparing for surgery in the past, but I do NOT invite men into my home on the basis of a nice voice after a 2 minute phone call.

Drama?

Well at least he is honest ........

I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship

Need a locksmith

.
Local locksmiths who advertise as having 24hr service are feeling my wrath* this morning, after the pleading didn't work on them when they tell me that they are too busy to come and break in to my bathroom for me.



Somehow my bathroom lock has decided to make itself known during the night, and now I can't get in. **

Have just had one guy over who fiddled with it for about 2 mins then shrugged his shoulders and said "bye bye"

Grrrrrr

Seriously this flat is falling apart around my ears since I gave my landlord my 2 months notice. I've had water pouring in through the study, fuses blown - because of the water obviously, washing machine just given up, window frame leaking in bedroom and now this.

*Although it seems my wrath is not terribly effective in getting them to change their mind!

**Luckily have very nice understanding next door neighbour who let me use her loo at 7.40am and her shower at 9.00am, but that is hardly a long term solution!

Update: 12.09 - The door is open. ~phew~

I'd love to

.
I just had a phone call from the mother of my children, ok so she's the mother of the children who are the closest thing I've got to having my own children. Anyway.......

In a couple of months there are going to be some rather significant birthdays being celebrated by my babies, and I want to be there, I'm going to be there. I confirmed my flight a few weeks ago and now the date for the party has been sent - 3 days after I arrive at their house.
Apparently last night over the dining table a discussion arouse about the band being booked, the caterers, the invitations and of course the alcohol that would be needed for this rather large event. Then someone mentioned cake, to which #1 CTIGTHMOC* said "Do you think that Mia would make it for us?" #2 CTIGTHMOC joined in with "Of course she will!"

Then the photo album came out and they looked at past cakes I've made for them, there was the princess castle - yes lots of pink! The Batman cake (that black food colouring took days to come off my fingers), the bowling alley with balls, Hickory Dickory Dock, the pirates treasure chest, the yellow duck, the racing car, the swimming pool, guitar, the football pitch, the rabbit, the piano, the cat, the ballerina, the volcano and many many more.

Of course I will, I'd love to.

*CTIGTHMOC = closest thing I've got to having my own children

Cherry

.
So, not sure what was going on last night, and thank you for all the very kind words that were sent. I especially liked the

"Oh, Mia, you're not alone, there's just nobody in the room with you at the moment :)"

I suspect that the last few months of uncertainty and decision making, along with fears and late night phone calls all got too much for me.





Today however everything is rosy, oodles of people around, it's a public holiday tomorrow to celebrate the big boy's birthday* and just to put the cherry on the cake, I got an invite to THE PARTY of the season.






* That would be Buddha, E@L is pretty important but the HK gov. are not using his birthday as an excuse for a day off work - sadly!

Whinging

.
Today has been odd, really odd. I've had some great things happen at work which I am really really pleased about ....but ......... it has totally brought home how terribly alone I am.

I know it was just a fluke but I called 8 different friends this evening to talk about the great stuff and all of them have their own lives to live and each one of them said they were busy and could they call me this weekend. So on what should be a really happy night I am instead sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

OK, whinge over, now its time to treat myself to something lovely. mmmmmm vanilla pudding!
Yes yes, I comfort eat, no surprise there surely!

National Vanilla Pudding Day

.
Yes, aparently today is National Vanilla Pudding Day!

Vanilla Pudding (from Real Simple)

1/2 cup sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 cups whole milk
2 egg yolks
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whisk together the sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan. Pour ¼ cup of the milk into the sugar mixture, stirring to form a smooth paste. Whisk in the remaining milk and the egg yolks. Cook the pudding mixture over low heat, stirring continuously with a wooden spoon until thickened, about 15 minutes. Do not allow it to boil. Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla. Scrape the pudding into a bowl. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing the surface to make an airtight seal and prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate until well chilled, about 1 hour.

Good things

.
So Monday is almost over.
A horrible day at work turned into a great day.
I've just been promised a bar of English Dairy Milk chocolate tomorrow morning.
I've got a cold glass of Pimms at my side.
A jasmine scented bubble bath running.
Latest Ian Rankin novel.
And my father is hopefully coming out of hospital tomorrow.

It's all good.

Fear

.
Last night I had a crank call.

I think it was someone who knew the terror it would strike into my heart calling me - at 5am. They called again at 5.45am and again at 6.10am.

I think it was someone who has been reading through my pages after following a link here, someone playing games.

Each time I reached for and answered the phone my heart was in mouth, literally I stopped breathing, each time I just heard an open line. No one spoke or replied to my question.
Tonight I'm turning off all the phones, I've spoken to my nearest and dearest and warned them that I'll not be contactable "just in case" so hopefully tonight I'll get some sleep.

My question is

Why? Why try to cause me more pain?
Surely enough time has passed that I'm not of interest anymore.

Myself

.

2:16am

I got the call to say that the surgery went well.
Have just spoken to him and he seems tired but lucid - which is more than I was at 2:16am when I was woken by the phone.

He had a pain free night, but didn't sleep at all well, off to get some x-rays done in an hour to make sure that everything is all good.

Thanks to everyone for their good wishes

Still waiting

.
Due to the wonders of international time zones I had to wait for half a day before my father was even awake. Then apparently they decided to put him at the end of the days schedule due to his possible infectiousness ......... I've just heard that he has only NOW just gone into surgery.

~sigh~

It's going to be a long night.

Bit scared

.
Today my father is having an operation.
An operation that is very similar to the one he had almost 3 years ago which resulted in an infection which caused complete organ shut down, which resulted in me getting one of those dreaded 2am phone calls. A phone call that I often have nightmares about

***********

Sib: Hi sis it's me - wake up properly.
Mia: It's 2am here, are you drunk again?
Sib: No - are you properly awake?
Mia: Yes, I am now Sitting up in bed and suddenly feeling worried
Sib: Dad's been taken back into hospital, he collapsed, its not looking good, he is in a coma.
Mia: . . . . . . . .
Sib: Are you still there?
Mia: Yes. What should I do?
Sib: Get the next flight home. Call me back when you've sorted out a ticket, call the parents number I'll be there in 20 mins.
Mia: OK.

An hour later after battling with online booking of flight in the middle of the night and being unable to see through the tears I call back.

Mia: It's me.
Mother: Oh hello, how are you?
Mia: Ummm not the best, what's happening?
Mother: Oh not to worry, Daddy had a bit of a funny turn, do you want to speak to your sib?
Mia: Yes
Sib: Hi
Mia: It's me, ok, what's going on? Is Mother on valium already?
Sib: Mother is in her favourite place, denile. His organs have shut down, he is in a coma, on life support, its not looking very hopeful.
Mia: VERY HOPEFUL??? What does that mean?
Sib: It means, pack for a funeral - he's probably not going to make it through the next 24 hrs.
Mia: OK, what's the hospital number?

I call the hospital and speak to the ICU nurse who is sitting by my fathers machines.
Mia: Can you tell me what's happening?
Nurse: Sorry, we cant give out patient information over the phone.
Mia: But I'm calling from Hong Kong, my Mother seems to think its all ok, my Sib told me to pack for a funeral.
Nurse: I'm sorry but your Sib has got a more realistic view on the situation. I'm sorry.
Mia: (in tears) OK, thank you, please look after my Daddy.
Nurse: We will do our best, how soon can you get here?
Mia: The flight doesn't leave till after noon (It's nearly 4am now) and takes 13 hours, and that just gets me to London.
Nurse: I'm sorry.

I call a friend in the North of England, he instantly offers to drive from Liverpool to London to meet me and drive me up North - 4 hours drive each way. My flight gets in very late at night so he will leave for London after a full day at work - he's a good friend.

I call a friend here in HK, I wake her from her sleep and I cry. She throws on some clothes and comes over to sit with me while I pack, while I pack for my fathers funeral. She leaves to go to work while I sit there. I email work and tell them I have to take emergency leave. Itake myself off to the airport hours ahead of time, as if me sitting there at the depture gate will make the hours pass quicker.
I cry.

I get on the plane, I've no idea who is sitting beside me, the TV's are not working, I think I probably cry the whole way there, I mourn my father, I don't expect to ever see him again. I cry. (later I feel sorry for the poor people sat around me, at the time I have no idea who is there)

I arrive in London, I wake through the gates and see my dear friend C, he has chocolate in one hand and a large box of tissues in the other - he knows me so well. He holds me close

C: I spoke with your Sib last an hour ago, your Dad is still alive.

He hands me his phone, I call my sib - my poor sib who is having to deal with all of this, to step up and organise things, to make heart wrenching phone calls to people he loves in the middle of the night.

Mia: Hi, its me, I've landed.
Sib: Ok, get C to get you up here, SAFELY, the ICU said you can go straight in - we are all taking it in turns as they only let 2 people by the bed.
Mia: It's going to be 2am before I get there.
Sib: Thats ok, the staff said to come in, don't wait till morning.
Mia: Oh......

C drives me up North, he talks to me about his children, about his new gf, about all sorts of things, he tries to engage me in conversation and then he lets me have some time to just stare out of the window. We arrive at the hospital, I see my older sister's car in the near deserted visitors car park. C takes my hand and we find the ICU. My sib comes out just as we get close. My sib hugs me (my sib never ever hugs me!) He points out the bed that is holding an old man, an old man hooked up to wires and tubes. He doesn't look like my father - my father was cutting down garden hedges with an electric chain saw just 3 weeks ago.
I go and sit beside him, I hold his hand, I tell him I'm here.

The next 4 days pass with the staff telling us to be realistic about his chances, but that they are surprised that he has fought so hard. We tell them not to be surprised, that Daddy has been given his 'orders' by us, he has to pull through this. And Daddy is a man who has long followed orders. We have to sign papers and give permission for amputation - for anything that will help him to get through this.
And he pulls through. The next 2 weeks are spent making notes on the ridiculous things that he is saying to us during his drug induced haze

"went out drinking with Keith Richards last night, feeling a bit rough today" !!!

"tonight Ted and I are going to break out that guy in bed 3, he's undercover and needs to get back to make his report"

"I'm heading off to the Grand Prix next Saturday, do you want to come?"

Also making notes on the sometimes conflicting information that the different organ specialists are giving us. Its not a great time.

After 2 weeks my siblings both return to work, after all they will have to be on hand when I return to Hong Kong but for now its me that is driving my mother to the hospital every day and sitting with her while she talks about how she wants her body to be used for medical studies and her ashes to be scattered. Its not an easy time for any of us.

I return to Hong Kong, after making a deal with my father, if he makes it to Christmas then I'll come 'home' as well. (I have never returned to the UK for Christmas any other year)
He keeps his end of the deal, and so do I.

Physically he is a shadow of the man he once was, mentally he is weaker as well. He's never able to travel overseas, to take that 3 month trip around Asia that they had planned. But he's alive, he gets to spend time being a Grandpa, he gets to hear about his children's adventures (well some of them!!) and he moves on with his life.

But........... today he has another operation, very similar to the last.

So today I'm a bit scared. Tomorrow I'll still be a bit scared and will probably be a bit scared for a few weeks until everything is recovered from and he is safely home.

Did you know?

.
British women have the biggest breasts in Europe.

The average breast size in the UK is between 36C to 34E compared to 10 years ago when it was 34B.

Nearly 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size.

Breast reduction operations were up 19% in 2006.

Half of women in the UK would consider plastic surgery; 36% would consider a breast operation.

It is estimated that 26,000 women had a breast enlargement in 2006.

My big breasts

Oh la la

.
I've just got the last of the quotes in, and sexy French man is the 2nd cheapest - and funnily enough offers the best 'extras'. I'm thinking he might just get the job!

Signs that he is not 'the one'

.
On the first date when he asks what's your favourite part of your job, (good question) he hears your reply then says "well that's a waste of time isn't it"

At the sight of a simple silk scarf he says (in a panicky tone) "You're not putting anything up my arse"

When given the choice of sci fi and foreign language film he chooses the subtitles!

When watching Lost for the first time, he whines on about the laws of physics and how the plane engine couldn't possibly still be running - again and again and again.

Mother's Day

.
Today is worse than Valentine's Day. At least in February most people understand what it is like to have a broken heart and to not want to celebrate a day of pink fluffy candies. But ignoring Mother's Day, well that is a lot more difficult for people to accept, so I've kept a low profile today and not said much to anyone.

I'm not a mother, and probably never will be.

My mother has spent most of my life telling me how useless, undeserving of happiness and unlovable I am.


I had 2 God Mothers, one who divorced out of the family and lost touch with me when I was about 8 years old. I didn't hear from her again till she died and found out that she had left me a nice little bequest in her will. I wish she'd made contact with me earlier.



My other Godmother is T who I loved dearly, she died 10 years ago, struck down by cancer within 5 months and I miss her so very much, especially when I've got wonderful news to share. As a teenager on Mother's Day I would send her flowers and cards and pretend she was my mother, she had no children of her own and always let me know how special I was to her. Today if I think about Mother's Day at all then I wish she were still here for me to call and tell her I love her.









Today I read these Mother's Day Secrets at Post Secret

And the postcard that I would have come closest to sending is this one


But I'm not quite there yet. There is a tiny part of my heart that still has hopes and dreams and is willing to jump through all her hoops if only she'd just love me. But the rest of me knows that this won't ever happen and I should just accept it. That's hard to do.

Choices

.
Over the last week I've met with representatives of 5 different companies, all putting in a bid for my contract. Now all the bids are in I'm sitting here making up an excel sheet with all the different numbers/details, however I'm wondering what kind of weighting I give the very very sexy French man from company C just for being gorgeous!
~sigh~
Seriously if all things were equal then yes, I'd give his company the job, just to get the chance to speak with him again.

Perfect

.
It is official, I have a certificate to prove it.....

~~~ I am perfect ~~~

My wonderful lovely fantastic surgeon told me so!

Ok, so he was only talking about a certain area of my body, but what the heck I'm sooooooo happy to hear it!

Mother

.
I just left this long winded comment at LC's place when he talks a little about his relationship with his mother

*******

I totally understand where you are coming from.
In a moment of utter madness and alcohol I invited my parents to come and visit me from England, never for a second did I think they would actually come, because

a) I gave them a narrow time slot when they'd be welcome - only 3 weeks away
b) My Mother doesn't like to fly
c) I was pretty sure that their passports were probably out of date
d) They surely wouldn't be able to get time off work at such short notice.
and
e) Who has enough spare cash sitting around for an international flight x 2

She said yes!
They got their passports fast tracked and leave from work and had apparently been putting some money aside 'just in case you invited us'.

Sh1t.

My siblings were so unbelieving that I'd invited her that they both called to ask if I was on drugs.

The day she was due to fly in to my country I met a friend for lunch and cried, yes cried that my mother was coming to visit my house.
3 hours after they arrived I was on my bathroom floor vomiting and sobbing uncontrollably that she was in my house for the next 10 days.

It was bad.

I got through it (mainly with the help of alcohol and booking them lots of tours!) and I've never been alone in a room with her (willingly) since.

Friends who have 'proper' relationships with their parents just don't understand. It's good to know someone else who does.

Link of the Day

.
Seen at one of my favourite advice sites - Smart at Love.

When a man does a vanishing act

One moment he's a part of your life.

As a matter of fact, whether it's the early stages of dating, or the beginning of a relationship, things between you seem to be going along rather nicely.

Anyway...that's what you think.

The next moment - presto chango - he's GONE! No more contact. No explanation.

Now that he's disappeared, your private hell has just begun. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Questioning your perception of what you two shared. Dealing with a range of reactions, from denial to anger to sadness.

And you want to DO something, rather than feeling so dumped and powerless.

Breath

.
The last 3 days have skimmed past me, too many things going on in my life to pay attention to means that something has to give. At this moment I'm not sure what it is, but I know that yesterday I sat surrounded by the contents of my bookshelf - and I cried.

I have a 'things to do' list which is spiralling out of control, this afternoon I added 5 lines and only crossed off 2 this morning.

There's no one to share the fear, the excitement or the future with. And it scares me at the same time as it thrills me.

Meanwhile, I just have to remember to breath.

No licence required

.
Yet another heart breaking report of child abuse

A couple is accused of child endangerment after her 10-year-old son ran away from home with his younger brother and told investigators he was tired of being put in a dog cage, police said. The older boy also had been forced to wear a remote-controlled shock collar, authorities said. ........ ..

..... The older boy and his 5-year-old brother ran away from home Tuesday night when their father was away and their mother was dancing at a strip club, police said. They were found a few blocks away on a neighbor's porch.

Flip

.
Today whilst blurfing I read something that made my tummy flip, and not in a good way. Lets just say that a long hot shower later I still feel a tad icky.

Repeat not needed

.
A significant 'event' appeared on my calendar today, well not significant to me but to someone I once held close. Two years ago I entered this 'event' in my calendar and chose the 'repeat annually' function, not for a moment did I imagine that just 2 short years later it wouldn't be valid - to me. So spurred on by this I went through the rest of my annual repeats to see what else was no longer needed. I deleted the following

#Anniversaries
# Birthdays
# Deaths
# First day at new job/new country
# First day home from a war zone

And a couple of other more private significant dates, none of which are cause for celebration anymore, all related to various past relationships.

This little exercise has just brought home to me how hopeful and positive I have been over the last few years, where as now, now I'd just like to know what is going to be happening in 4 weeks time.